We Remember Them- from Debra

Thank you Debra for sending me the following, it is beautiful and it touched my heart

WE REMEMBER THEM

At the rising of the sun and at its going down,
we remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
we remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring,
we remember them.

At the shining of the sun and in the warmth of summer,
we remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
we remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now apart of us,
as we remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
we remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
we remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share,
we remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make,
we remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs,
we remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now a part of us,
as we remember them.

to our loved ones

I am honoring the 7th day of my father's death with a rumi poem;

You think you are alive
because you breathe air?
Shame on you,
that you are alive in such a limited way.
Don't be without Love,
so you won't feel dead.
Die in Love and stay alive forever.

I am the child of the universe

I played a song for dad every morning for a week before he passed away, yesterday I played it again, here it is

I AM THE CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE

Here is a little history of a greater mystery
I’m reading this story into my own.
If it isn’t what you are use to and maybe if you choose to
and if it will amuse you then you’ll sing along.

Cause I am as old as the universe
I have been here before and I’ll be here again.
I am a child of the universe
I am part of all women and part of all men
part of all women and part of all men.

Once upon a sometime and once upon a somewhere
once upon a somehow, there was a Big Bang.
Energy revolving and energy dissolving
energy evolving and that’s what I am.

I am as old as the universe......

I am just a flower that blossoms for an hour
but in me there’s a power that blows on and on.
Power in the roots of me, power in the shoots of me
power on the fruits that will pass my seed on.

I am as old as the universe......

I am not a nobody, I am not just somebody
I’m a cell in one body filling all space.
And everything I should be and everything I would be
and everything I could be is here in this place.

I am as old as the universe......

Dad's Funeral

The morning was busy. Despite the fact that the gatering was for a loss, there was such peace and abundance in the house. My cousins came from Antalya, they drove all night, Sinan's friends were here, mom friend came. The care takers were in the kitchen making tea, preparing breakfast. What a magical morning, all these people came to honor the death of a loved one. The house stayed busy till the time of the funeral. Hugs, more hugs, kisses, words of love and praise filled up the house, tea was a sign of abundance, Rosa made tea after tea served it with pastries, cookies, rice and beef, baklava...

Mom was sad and well sedated so she was quiet and digesting. The funeral was sacred and rich, it was full of people from my childhood, my past. Everybody came to pay his respects. I am grateful..Just like your heart dad... your funeral was so rich with love.

The burial was profound for me. That is when I realized that was a final goodbye. I sent him some healing again, put his rose quartz crystal with him. Asked the angels to help his transition. I blew love and light to the soil that covered him.

Goodbye Dad.. May you be in peace in your new journey, may love and light guide this new journey, may your angels surround you with their love. I honor you, I bless you

Dad and I -last goodbye in the house

I was outside when I heard the news yesterday, I rushed home. Rosa had invited Mom's friends to keep her busy to avoid a hysterical mom moment. I came in, and I went directly to the room, I cloed the door. Dad's body was on the bed. I hugged his stiff body, kissed his face, cried for a while then I started my work with prayers and chanting.

I called all the powers of light, all the angels and archangels, and the sun and the moon, and mother earth, father sky, ascended masters and I asked all the sacred of the sacred to be there to help him with the transition,I sent energy for a smooth transition and I did some angelic chanting..

Then I honored his journey in this lifetime, all the moments of his life, all his relationships, all his spoken and non spoken words, all his emotions, of his co-creations, his impacts and his lessons...

By the time I was finished there was such accomplishment came over me. I left the room, took a shower and went to the living room to hug mom

Dad Passed away this afternoon-pls keep him in your prayers

A Gift From Dad

I feel that the last gift my father has given me is to allow me see what a person's transition is, and what happens to the person's soul.
The last couple days the house is full with ancestors visiting dad, I look inside his bedroom and it is filled with visitors from the other side. I see my grandparents and Dudu-his mother like the other days is reading the Qoran by his bed side. There are some faces I never met this lifetime, I was either too young and they didn't reincarnate.

I look at Dad's soul, to me it looks like only maybe 20 % is holding onto the body, it is like a flying object that is holding onto a body. When a human being is alive I can see that a major part of his soul is in his body, when it is transition time, the soul starts his journey of separation.

A human body is amazing mechanism, I see his breathing, slow but determined to get the air in.
He is very close.. I sat with him last night and talked to him and to his soul for final good-byes

give love and take back the energies

When we have a loved one that is coming to an end it is important to give what is in the heart and take what the person is holding for us all this time. We may have projected our own wounds and transferred our own energies to this person.

I thought of my Dad.. He has carried "the hero" for me all this time, it is expected for a child to give the hero inside to a parent since the child can not carry it too well. I also know that he has carried "the parent" archetype for me a major part of my life. The parent archytype is a powerful one and can be a dominant one too for the person- such as listening to the parent voice in us for decision making. He carried the wizard for me since he is so intelligent, when I was growing up I thought Dad knew all the answers.

A father archetype represents more or less safety, security, wisdom, understanding,love,protection, male energy, intelligence etc for us. can be different for some.. When the carrier of this archetype is no longer healthy and vibrant, the inner child will feel imbalanced.

Here is a prayer to take from a father what he carries for you; before the prayer write down what you think your father represents to you;
Dad, I am grateful for you to have carried these archtypes for me all this time. I am so grateful that your teachings thru these archetypes have taught me great lessons. You don't need to carry them anymore, I am taking them back form you. I own them now and I am taking responsibility for these archetypes now. Thank you Dad. Thank you Universe

My Elementary School

2 days ago, when I went out for a walk, I passed by my elementary school. The school is on vacation and it was around 6.00PM but somehow the gates were open. Something in me said "go in", slowly I walked into the front yard.
I sat at a bench, I thought about the little girl that played in this school ground 35 years ago. I asked my guides to take me back there, immediately as if I was watching a movie I was there back in time years 72-76. Little Naz was wearing her yellow and navy blue uniform, she was with her friends Nil and Esra. She was jumping rope and wanted to be best doing it. I watched her.. she is competitive, little shy, always smiling, little confused about life..I saw her warm,loving heart.
I walked towards her, tears coming down..
I said to her "tell me what I can do for you",
she said "I want to be safe",
"how can I make you safe"
"hug me and don't let me go"
"I hug you and keep you in my heart always, you are beautiful, I love you, nothing is going to change that"
Then I went to an old tree in the school yard and with the tree's permission I asked a piece of the bark for me to keep as a reminder of my encounter with little Naz
lets play together little one, I will sing for you, draw for you, eat a heart shaped chocolate cake for you

Decisions..

The last 2 weeks have been the decision making cycle of this whole process. First Dad has got fever, I called his MD, he said have him take fever reducers. He couldn't swallow them, fever continued, then he slowed down in his food intake, then he got jaundice then his left hand got very swollen.

We called 5 doctors and each said something different, one offered taking him to ER, another one said he needs to have a stomach tube, another one a tube down his throat, another one feeding him with fluids thru IV..

So many decisions.. what do you want dad?? do you want to go to the hospital, stay home, be fed by a tube... I sat by his bed to go into his energy field. I was determined not to make this decision on my own... I called for guidance and asked to see his heart... As I sat quietly I heard "close your eyes", as soon as I did, Dad and I were sitting up in the air as if there was a confortable carpet and I was sitting on one side and he was on the other. He looked very tired..He said to me "I want to be here..with all of you, no hospital , only my bed and don't force my body into feeding me more, when the time comes I will be ready"
No Dad this is very difficult.. you need to eat more.. uneasiness, discomfort,a knot on my throat,tears....
Help......his wiseman-a guide appeared, such peace.., he said to me "YOU are looking for relief, let it go and accept the decision" Strange feeling in my heart, no relief.. accept it Naz there is such grace and wisdom coming from his energy

thank you Jakhi

I tried to post this on the blog itself but it wouldn't accept without and ID. But I wanted you to have this message from me.
Naz you are so loved, so powerful, and so amazing. Thank you for sharing this amazing journey. Your Dad is lucky, you are lucky. You are right to feel loved, supported, and held. We are with you, us in NYC too. Love you Naz. XXOXOXOXOXOXOX

3 wiseman-love,wisdom and truth

Everyday I stayed at Suzi's spacious peaceful apartment, I took a walk at the hiking path behind the house. This gated community had everything in it, including couple of fountains and a long beautiful hiking path. Everyday in between sessions I either sat by the fountains and watched the life giving splashes of water or took a walk by the woods.

It was a joy to sit on the grass and watch the sun going down or to shake the apple tree to get some free apples or to smell exquisite flowers and occasionally to hug some trees..
One day as I was walking I came at the very end of the hiking path where nobody normally would go, this was the place they also kept new stuff to plant. In one corner I was guided to go to an area where 3 pine trees had created a triangle where it looked like a little shelter.

I was guided to go in, I sat on the ground inside the triangle. Felt sacred..I did some prayers and chanting. The 3 pine trees spirit came to me as guides; they were love,wisdom and truth. The love tree gave me a little from that sacred ground to carry with me, the wisdom tree gave me a fresh pine smell to breath into my lungs to help Dad's lungs, the truth tree gave me a piece of bark remind me we all come from nature and go back to nature.

Then an Indian spirit guide sat in front of me, he was wearing a deer skin jacket with red beads, he had three feathers on his head. He said to me "time to let him go, he is safe.... ancestors are here, they are helping, they will take care of him, he needs his peace now, you help him cross, I will guide you"
God give me the serenity to accept it.. I am grateful..and sad...

yey.... session time i Suzi's place

Just when I needed my time alone , a beautiful apartment showed up to sublet. Thank you Suzi.. I moved in to Suzi's place and I booked some sessions. I am back.. oh it feels so wonderful to do my sessions. Universe arranged it all..

Thank you ALL

God, I am tired..pysically, emotionally and mentally...I miss my bed, my home in Bayside, my life there, my healing room, my sessions...

Dearest Ones, Thank you for all the support and love, I feel so blessed to have all of you by my side in this special nest journey. My heart is filled with gratitude and tremendous love.

Thank you God for this time with mom and dad, I helps me to get to say my good-byes. I get to hug them, love them without the agenda of my inner child, touch them, smell them, truly look into their eyes to see them.

Thank you spirit guides; when I am low you lift me up, when I cry you hug me, when I am looking for answers you give them, thank you for the peace you bring when I can't seem to accept..You show me wisdom when I need the truth

Rosa- a beautiful rose in our home

When things started getting worse my brother, his wife and I decided to have a professional care taker as they normally do in this part of the world. My sister in law's parents knew this armenian immigrant who happened to be looking a new home to take care of at that time.
That is how Rosa came to our life, she brought the energy of roses into our home. She is witty, strong, very motherly and she has got the best stories. I am grateful.. She works so hard ,calls mom and dad "anne and baba" which means "mom and dad" in turkish.
Evey sunday I know Rosa want to go to the beach which a 5 min. walk from our house, she dresses up in her beach dress and a big green hat and she dissappears for 1 hour. It is her way of unloading the stress of the week, forget about this world and rejuvenate. She comes back jolly and energized.
When we are eating, that is the time this earth angel with her loving heart erases any negativity or dysfunction in the family and brings the most magical stories from her life back home. It is like a 1001 night stories where we all wait to hear the next one. The only unhappy person in this special time is mom who dislikes her and feels she lost control of her home.
Dad who does not and can not talk too much, listens to her stories at the table, and I beleive that as uncomfortable as he is- he can not swallow, he coughs constantly,can not taste food- Rosa's stories are a way to take his mind away from his discomfort

Dad has gotten worse

My biggest lessons have been coming from watching dad and listening to mom.
I am with my inner child and my healer in me on a regular basis. I hold little Naz every morning and at night, and I tell the healer in me to let the daughter come out more at times since she is looking for closure.
I feel that what we go through with transitioning parents doest not feel like anything else and that our soul's journey changes deeply at those times. What I have seen in one month is worth a lifetime...

Dad has gotten worse, since I arrived, he sleeps all the time, has no energy, can not speak clearly, can only eat soups.. He is drifting away... Mom with dementia thinks dad is actually her dad and calls him by my grandfather's name. How devastating that must be for dad whose mind is still clear.

When dad is sleeping I sit in the room with him, I put my crystals around and I do prayers. I see Dudu(dad's mom) by his bed side, I was very close to my grandmother and I miss her very much. Dudu comes to my father quite often, I see her sitting by his feet and reading from Quran regularly.

I look at Dad with the intention of seeing him. Who is this human being, what are his accomplishments, his losses, his gains and losses, his regrets, his fears... What did he learn from life, what was his souls purpose.. As I am asking these questions I feel the energy of my father filling up the room. great.. open up dad.. you have been so close in your whole life, open up, I SEE YOU DAD... and I LOVE YOU

My pink room

My childhood room has pink walls, we came to this house in 1976, since then I have always had pink walls and blue curtains. My window looks out to the backyard. Every morning I wake up, open the shades and smell my childhood garden, everything has stayed the same. I thank the universe for allowing me be here, to experience love as a way of life.
I have so may memories in that garden. Once my best girlfriend and I played spy game, we became two "mata hari"s and took a very important stone to the other side of the garden and buried it secretly. Job well done!!! I wonder if the stone is still there..
The room needs cleaning, the closets and more than half of the room is full, it had been used as a storage room for the parents and the energy is so stuck here...

The First Couple of Weeks

The first weeks have been about lots of hugs, kisses. Crying silently in bed and sometimes walking to the near park and crying there. Grieving had started and I was in a strange way happy.
I was living all the emotions together. Like Rumi's "Guest House" poem, emotions were visiting and leaving. I was happy one moment to be there, to hold dad's hand, to feel mom's soft cheeks, angry next second at something mom may have said, sad next second hearing dad trying to breath between coughs.

Is this my mom and my dad

Back to you Yesilyurt, my childhood town...The caretaker opened to door, she is Necla, an angel..Mom walked in, I held my breath. Mom who has never missed her hair (one of her main "joie de vivre") came to me with a messy hair, grays were half way, it was long and she was wearing her sleeping gown (noon time).
I said to myself remember the books.. I have read and heard so much about dementia that I knew that eventually they slow down doing daily habits, they don't dress up, forget to bathe etc.

Big changes since November-last time I was here. I could hear my inner child who was scared, confused and angry. She wanted to yell mom"go and dress up, I don't want to see you like that, go just dissappear"

Then the door opened, Mehmet Abi(dad's assistant for 36yrs) was bringing dad home fr a screening. The shock moment came when dad walked in. He was wabbling, Mehmet Abi was supporting his body, he was skin and bones and his skin looked pale, he had lost his whole hair. The first thing I said to myself " oh my god this is not my father, this is somebody else", I was frozen, I tried breathing and held my belly.
Last time I saw dad was in November and he was fully functioning back them, radiation in January started his downhill journey
I wanted to hug him but was not able to move. He came in and sat down ,he was breathing like a carborator (lungs full), looked at me and said "welcome Nazey(that is how he calls me), you are here but I am already gone", God help me... this is when I need your help, guides help me... I mumbled " I am so happy to be here Dad, this happens to be the time for us to meet again"

Flight to Istanbul-june 15th

My brother Sin said to me on the phone the day before I got on the plane "Naz do not be shocked... Dad is very skinny now and bold and pale".
I was nervous on the plane. I didn't know what to expect. I remembered Pema Chodron's book "Dealing with Uncertainty". My ticket was for 3 weeks, that seemed to be the only certainty about this whole trip.

Since I couldnt find an aisle seat this time, I was sitting by the window and I was flying Delta -who leaves NY earlier than Turkish Airlines- so I had some sunlight for a couple of hours. I looked out of my window the whole time as if I was searching......

Looking out I watched the land and the sea and the sunset, it was almost mesmerizing.. Then I heard God's voice, "look down, you are beautiful and you are my creation like this wonderful planet and your ego/fears/anxieties are as small as the shadow/reflection of this plane on the water, live your vastness, be the beauty"

Tears were coming down- God take my hand and guide me on this trip, I know I will never be the same

WELCOME

Dear Beautiful Souls,

This is a blog about my journey to Istanbul that started mid-june. Why to create a blog now you may ask.... I have been living away from home for 20 yrs. Why writing about it now...

Because as much as I might think every trip I have made to Istanbul to visit my family is special, this one is very special. I have come here to help my dad to transition his soul. He has been battling with lung cancer for 3 years, he seems to be coming closer to the end of his journey in this lifetime. And spend as much time as I can with my mom who has Alzheimer's/dementia who will not remember me anytime.

This is about me, my childhood, mom and dad, my stories from my nest where I grew up. These are the stories of finding peace in chaos, finding god in losses, honoring my soul, my family, mom and dad. As a healer I have been into different phases, healings, trainings for the last 13 years. This period is so unique and soul piercing for me, one of the best healings I have been receiving. It has given me such wisdom,love and essence.

This blog will PG 13...it will be sad and heart wrenching at times but at the same time I am hoping you will feel the love in my heart for the experiences I have been through.


I want to dedicate this blog to those who have never got a chance to say their goodbye's to their mom and dad and also those whose parents are still living may this blog open up your heart and shift your paradigm and change your perspective to life, family and love


Lets begin...